accepting the unbearable

Today the rubber meets the road.
I couldn’t fill my weekly pill organizer, and Rachel looked so hot and tired when she came home…I didn’t ask her to open the pill bottles for me. Then bedtime came and I remembered that I still haven’t filled the box. So it’s been about 48 hours since my last intake of meds. I was fasting for my blood test- so everything got screwy. I made the above smoothie.
Rachel opened the bottles for me before she went to work.
Before she left, she looked at me and asked…are you hot or cold?
I was bent over the sink trying to clean up the kitchen. We both laughed when I said : both.
Today was to be day one of organized living:
-am pills
- green smoothie
- find yoga vid on YouTube to do
- do yoga for as long as I can
-pick out lunch
- prepare lunch
There is a bunch of other stuff but I am going to need to slice it down., mostly by doing everything in five or six little batches of work and then resting.
The focus today is staying positive and no lookie-louing at my appearance today. No judgement of where I am or what I can’t do. Like that, all day- I just need to bring it over and over again till bedtime.

(Source: rawveganeattoslim)

heirloom green tomato steaks with basil leaf and corn fritters. Served with yesterday’s leftover fruit salad.

(Source: rawveganeattoslim)

I woke happy to be alive.
Something about the break from food for 14 hours has made me so happy. I can see how much I have missed not eating. Really, really missed it.
I’m going for the blood test in a few minuets and I am dizzy, but I think I can hold out until I get back home to have some fruit.
My weight is down this morning.
I need to ignore the part of me that’s jumping up and down screaming : see! You only loose weight when you don’t eat!
I have started tiny 60 second spurts of yoga from YouTube. Let’s see what I can do to firm myself up over the summer.

My alarm went off just now reminding me that I have 15 mins to eat before I need to stop eating so fasting can being for tomorrow’s blood tests.
I just got done making my salad and cleaning up the kitchen. I’m not even hungry and I was hoping to eat when my sister comes home, but I will have to eat something quick.
I hope all goes well tonight.

love-and-rituals:

I’ve gotten

so

much

better

in the past two or three months alone at controlling my cycles of binging and restricting, but this past weekend I really lost it and dove into an old, familiar desperately-repeatedly-opening-the-pantry-and-fridge frenzy, shoving random foods into my face and mixing them together in strange combinations while simultaneously searching for other textures and flavors and craving other random tastes and eating and eating and eating all of the things I generally consider off-limits. Naturally, today I woke up with that post-binge feverishly-hungry, gutsick-y feeling I am all too familiar with and had been having presence of mind enough to actively appreciate not having over the past few weeks. I am trying not to berate myself too hard for this slip-up, and decided that a giant half of a papaya would be a perfect work brunch—do your thing, papaya, bring all of your marvelous digestive enzymes to my bloaty, burbly tummy.

And seriously, it was the ripest and juiciest papaya I’ve ever eaten, and I am fortunate enough to be able to eat papayas for breakfast quite often (thank you, neighborhood produce market!) I am thinking that perhaps logging my food in blog form as a form of staying really present about what I’m eating (as opposed to a fugued-out desperate binge state) might help me from going down this less-frequently-traveled but still-dangerous, still-disheartening path, so…here we go. :)

rawveganeattoslim:

Breakfast Salad:
1/2 cup fresh blueberries
1/2 cup fresh raspberries
1 tablespoon soaked walnuts
1 cup micro basil
1 teaspoon grated ginger root
1 cup watermelon
1 teaspoon vanilla powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Dash pink salt

I have not weighted in for a few days. I have not journal-ed here in as many days because I am sick of the complaining.
I feel swollen and unwell. I am having problems drinking water. When I went shopping the cucumbers were all very soft, so I thought I had purchased 6 but when I got home I only had 2.
Something is very wrong with my body. I can’t figure it out.
When my brother saw me yesterday, I could tell from his eyes that I must look sick again. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong?
This is the longest I have managed no purging/ laxative abuse.
My fasting-blood test is Wednesday and I hope it reveals something.
I am at a loss for what to do with myself.
I am thinking that allowing myself all the time in the world to lose weight has got to stop. My body seems to bounce back up to around 168 no matter what I do.
I am going to try something that I have yet to think of because before now doing it might have led to further cutting and eventually not eating. I will cut my portions. I will half each recipe from Ani in half, especially the smoothies. I think I will keep the greens the same size and use less dressing.
Yes. I weight 170.8.
I see a trend on line for the most vocal raw people shouting from the rooftops to carb up on fruit. It makes me feel like an odd duck. An odd fat duck.
I am determined to get back into the grove of weight loss. So here are some things I will put into place:
-track food on fitnesspal
-half portions
-drink water
-find out what is making you so disoriented when you take your bedtime pills
-photograph what goes into each dish
-photo journal what you ate and the time
-do not give up

Yesterday was grocery shopping day. Walking fresh & easy and wholefoods. Then I stopped up the toilet cleaning out the fridge and Rachel had to take me to home depot.
She was mad. Apparently a “normal person would throw out food in the kitchen garbage”. She wanted to know why I thought to toss the rotten food down the toilet !?!
0.o
So, I had to walk with her thru HomeDepot, trying to keep up with her. The huge stoe with concrete floors- It was too much. My body it hurting now, so much.
I tried for four hours to unclog the toilet, but my hands are too weak to work the snake and I hurt the wrists and fingers.
Rachel finally came to help and unclogged it right away.
When will I stop being a jerk?

(Source: vintageindia)

PROGRESS:

This blog has been so helpful in letting me see:
[1] how my mind works
[2] the behaviors I have made myself blind to
[3] most surprisingly; actually how resigned to ever changing my life I am
The self abuse, starvation, over-eating and purging without control is now recognized, analyzed and I am ready to move beyond them as my focus.
I am taking a leap of faith and creating a new blog in line with what I hope to be a positive exploration of life less dependent on EDNOS behaviors. I am leaving this blog open, should I need a place to work things out in the future. Things like: resurfacing of EDNOS ticks, self sabotoge, shameful acts of cowardice (and the like) in the future.
I don’t feel comfortable here. Not as I did when I started this blog and I have come to post less and less as my eating has worked toward something other than what it was. (I’m clear its not “recovery”- but it is better)
I am open to generating positivity and real life results on my new blog space.
Thank you for your support. The supportive messages and often magical words of wisdom you’ve sent always came at my lowest points and made all the difference.
You are each welcome, as always, to join me at insergentinsergent (see below):
-GG

 : )

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/insergentinsergent

rawveganeattoslim:

May 16, 2012 food:

-green smoothie (blueberry, banana, spinach, coconut water, cinnamon, 1/2 cucumber, ginger root)
-green smoothie (frozen strawberries, vanilla, spinach, coconut water, 1 soaked putted date, 1/2 teaspoon matcha, 1/2 cucumber, cayenne pepper)
-Italian Salad over Tomato Steak ( reduced avocado to 1/2 whole) (@3:15pm)
-Easy Being Green Salad (1/2 whole avocado) @6:00pm

Snacks:
-watermelon

I’m starting to feel the pinch of buying less that I wanted because of the price increase. It’s Wednesday and I only have one avocado left and I will be out of spinach tonight. I need to get creative for the next two days. : )

(via s-kinnygames)

My sister just got out of bed. She asked me how long I have been up?
A more accurate question would be: did you sleep at all?

(Source: mynameisgemmi, via vamoose)

Something is wrong.
I felt off yesterday and didn’t start eating until mid-afternoon.
This morning I am worse.
Last night I discovered my sister bought my favorite licorice. It’s a candy she doesn’t like so I know they are for me.
I can’t have them in the house. I will throw them out if I can manage to make it to the complex dumpster.
I gave my brother my copy of the 15-Day Fat Blast so he could get it signed by the author. I have to go to my kindle to figure out what to make today and it’s a pain in the ass. Recipe books on kindle suckass.
I did yoga from YouTube yesterday and I started suffering an hour later. The pain is worse today and all I’ve done is: bathroom, strip, weight in, brush teeth/re-dress, grab iPad, walk to kitchen, wash mug ( this is when I fully felt that I was in pain), measure out 3 cups water, add ice, sit on the living room couch.
Now that I think about it, straining the blended veggies through the nut milk bag must have been too much as well. (same goes for the dry brushing and bath)
I was planning to do all that again today, but I have to rethink it right now.
My brain is slow to connect and I would call my doctors office for an emergency appointment if I had insurance.
How can I fix this? I will drink my water and go through the recipes and pick maybe a salad and something else to make up today’s meals.
I am still 168.6. I know the source of the stall- using the virgin coconut oil as moisturizer. I got addicted to my skin looking and feeling healthy. So I’m going to switch back to my oil-free lotion, but as soon as I am at goal I will get rid of the different body butters and such.
Also- I think on Thursday last week my water started to taste like plastic. I have not been drinking my 3 liters a day.
The Distilled water comes in a plastic jug. I pour it into a glass mug and drink it with a plastic straw.
I need to find a solution. I have seven gallons lined up in the pantry.
I think I will put the water in my glass pitchers with chopped cucumber and frozen strawberries. I need to investigate water. I really feel like I’m drinking liquid plastic.
And I’m really hungry :/

(via swallowgold)

Kale chips @8pm-. I had 3/4 of the container.

I started drinking this juice at @3pm and finished before bed.